Goblin Advice
by bobmcbobbob1
Summary: There's a girl. Jareth likes her. How does a young Goblin Prince get her to like him? Well, he's not sure, actually. So he asks some goblins. ONESHOT


_Disclaimer: I do not own the Labyrinth and its characters, even though I think Jareth is the only one I've really used here aside from references. Regardless, props to Henson & Co._

_Hey, all! I've had this little one shot in my head for a while, but NaNoWriMo and that whole real life thing has distracted me from writing and fanfiction in general. It feels so good to put something out, you have no idea._

_The scoop: as a young prince (about 6 or 7 in mortal years), Jareth meets a girl and asks the goblins for advice. There are a couple of details that reflect back on points in "Power Struggle," a spoiler or two, but otherwise it stands on its own. Enjoy!_

_(And if you're coming here after reading "Power Struggle," thanks again so much for reading.)_

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It was a natural practice that all those in the Underground with aspirations of a high position of government—let alone an heir to a throne—would spend a certain amount of time with the people (or creatures) they would be overseeing.

However, in the Goblin Kingdom, this social rule was merely encouraged rather than enforced. In fact, the Fae were more than understanding if you chose to avoid the goblins altogether, barring that you weren't going to do any physical policing where such practice and interaction is necessary. Even so, most Fae avoided these positions specifically for that reason.

As a young, quite precocious prince, however, Jareth was especially interested in doing what he was encouraged not to do. His mother took it all in good humor, not much surprised that her son was as stubborn as his father, even at the mortal equivalent of six, nearly seven. The Queen could just shake her head at him and wrap him into a hug. The boy's father and current King of the Goblins, Master of the Labyrinth, though, found the situation somewhat frustrating, insisting that the prince behaved enough like a goblin as it was. So it was that the Goblin Prince spent a considerable portion of his time playing with the goblins and creating games and trouble of his own for them to enact when the abilities of goblin minds fell short. The goblins appreciated his insight to what would make the Countess Yelena scream the loudest and what would make the Duke Trenton faint dead away. Not only that, but there were few Fae who would tolerate them in the first place, let alone keep up with them.

On one occasion when the goblins had brought their ale into their mischief and Jareth found himself quite ill before a large gathering (unfortunately including a few visiting monarchs from the Darker Lands), even the Queen acknowledged that perhaps there should be a limit to the influence the goblins would have on her son. Thankfully for the sanity of the King and Queen, the King had enough understanding of his son not to _forbid_ him time with the goblins, as this would most ensure all sorts of further capers. Instead, the King found more tutors and subjects for his son to undertake and a few choice playmates to create a different influence, subtly rendering the Prince too busy. The Queen assisted in setting a perspective with small speeches about how it was time for him to have some responsibility and what a good boy he was to be doing so well. Even still, Jareth managed to distract his civics tutor long enough to teach him to juggle until Jareth began to clumsily develop his own style to manipulate the crystals he had created for practice.

One of the playmates Jareth's father introduced him to was a young Fae girl named Lady Keerli. All of this took place long before Sarah would run his Labyrinth let alone return to reciprocate his love, long before his father would leave to become the Spirit of the Moon, many years before his mother would die of a strange Dragon Flu. Right at this moment, Keerli smiled and became the most important thing to the young prince. Mortals might call it "puppy love." And the Prince seemed very young indeed when faced with a common dilemma: how could he get her to like him?

His father noticed before his mother did and referenced the Prophesy, noting that if he turned his head sideways and inferred plenty, perhaps something could come of it. His wife happened to think he was ridiculous.

Jareth's parents offered him useless advice, such as being nice to her or giving her flowers. Some of the other boys that Jareth was supposed to help entertain at the castle already did that. Surely there was something more he could do. He listened to his tutors, asking small questions but received some of the same information, everything that was polite and proper for a young Fae prince but nothing to the level he was hoping for. He did try many different things: offering to push her on the swing, pulling her chair out for her, giving her every sort of flower from the Royal Gardens, listening to her as she chattered about fabric, allowing her to tag him in the games they played and even _win_ on an occasion out of sheer desperation though it left a vile, lingering taste in his mouth. And still it seemed that the other boys did just the same things and she smiled at them just the same way. Jareth was sure there _must_ be something he was missing.

As luck would have it, the Goblin Prince happened upon a few of his goblin friends. Smoothly creating an excuse, Jareth separated from his Fae playmates and pulled the goblins into a nook of the Labyrinth, making sure they were far enough away from anyone who might interfere.

"Leck, Grungle gather everyone you can together. We meet tonight in the rose garden."

"Rose garden?" Leck (who was really Lert) squeaked. No goblin really wanted to go to the rose garden. Despite having a lot of dirt, it was far too clean and orderly and more importantly the cost of making it _un_orderly was far too high, laid down by the Queen herself.

"No one will suspect us there. And if we stick to the southwest corner no one will bother us either."

Grungle (who was really Grün) broke into a large smile that extended off his dark face a few inches on either side. It had been some time since they had all managed some proper mischief.

Jareth, understanding of goblin impatience, was at the meeting place immediately after his evening meal. A blob of goblins scuttled into the clearing soon after, each as determined as the other to not touch anything. Even those goblins that actually touched the path took small, careful steps. Jareth shook his head, wondering if perhaps he should have chosen the Bog, but they would have been wary and distracted there. The Bog as it was then teemed with old life and odd gurgles; a series of mishaps and adventuring would lead to its appropriate renaming to the Bog of Eternal Stench.

Rolling his eyes, Jareth ordered the goblins to a section of the garden with stone benches and fewer fragile flower arrangements. Grün grinned again when the walls closed behind the ten goblins and Jareth. The rest of the goblins were bouncing with excitement, one particularly large goblin splitting right through a stone bench. The other goblins stared in terror or began to shout at him, but Jareth just waved an impatient hand and fixed the bench magically.

"I've asked you here tonight for a most important situation," Jareth began.

The goblins leaned in, following Jareth's low tone. One goblin teetered off her spot on the bench, seemingly not to notice as her attention was still on the Prince.

Jareth ran a hand through his blond hair. "I need some advice."

Understandably, the goblins were confused. A few of the members of the Goblin Army might have been asked about opinions about tactics before, but the average goblin was simply not given much credit. In fact, even Jareth directed much of the actions of his chosen trouble-makers, willing to go with those spontaneous ideas on occasion but mostly keeping them in check either directly or by guiding them. No, these goblins were very confused indeed.

Jareth allowed the concept to sink in for a moment or two. "The Lady Keerli, I want her to like me. I don't know what to do."

Lert seemed to be thinking very hard, as evidenced by the strange color on top of his head. "What did Prince try?"

Jareth had a small grin when he replied, "Everything." He proceeded to list off the sum of his attempts.

Vën interrupted almost immediately: "Flowers? Why would you give her flowers? What she going to do with thems?"

Alrik flapped his ears in agreement.

"Did she eat them? She could eat them," Cülee offered. The goblins seemed to agree that this would be the only purpose in giving flowers, but only if she was hungry or could eat them later. Jareth did not completely understand the point behind flowers anyway, so he allowed them to debate.

Xerx jumped up with a grunt. "Give her…uh."

The rest of the goblins waited with an odd stretch of patience. Xerx may have the memory of a goldfish, but when he came through he could form a halfway intelligent thought. The silence lasted a whole five seconds. Then the cajoling and jeering began. Xerx was undaunted, still trying to order his thoughts.

He gave another little jump. "Give her a…"

"Out with it," Jareth demanded in a voice like his father.

"Give her food," Xerx concluded.

Jareth shook his head.

"Maybe special food," Cülee offered.

"Special food," Xerx agreed solemnly.

The goblins all chorused in with their approval. Jareth ordered their silence, until he could confirm that they were still alone.

"Like what?" Jareth demanded, starting to think this was a bad idea.

After a lengthy discussion the goblins came to the conclusion that only the flank of the Rizon would be truly acceptable, a real goblin delicacy based on the rarity of the creature and the difficulty in taking it down.

Grün frowned. "Still not right."

The goblins agreed. It was quickly decided that since being nice wasn't working, Jareth ought to try something else. Then many more recommendations clamored all together into one indiscernible roar.

"Enough!" Jareth finally barked.

The goblins hushed but were undaunted. Lert summarized for the group: "You follow all that and it has to work."

Jareth was about to ask what specifically he was supposed to follow in all that mess when he felt a summons from his mother. She would not be ignored. He dismissed the goblins and returned himself to his room, transporting himself rather than walking even though he had been instructed by his magic tutor not to attempt the spells without supervision. His mother wouldn't be fooled, but an excuse of practicing would make her _less_ suspicious if not unsuspecting; the Goblin Queen knew better than to assume complete innocence as far as her son and husband were concerned. She chose not to pry as she made certain her son was ready for bed, well knowing that whatever her boy was up to would resolve itself soon.

While Jareth was tucked in for the night and aware of the next day's schedule (all before a story and a kiss on his forehead), he was developing his own plan, trying to integrate every piece of advice he could remember.

So it happened the next day that Jareth did meet up with his playmates at the appointed time. However, he arrived riding on the back of a Rizon, two hands fisted into its brilliantly colored fur just before where it shifted to large scales. Jareth's already wild hair was spiked in every direction—no piece laying flat on his bare shoulders—though there was mud from the Bog weighing pieces down. Since proper dress had afforded him no real benefit, Jareth was down to a loincloth. With his eyes flashing, the young Fae gave a mighty bellow and began to charge toward Keerli and two Fae lordlings. They ran. Jareth on the captured Rizon chased, herding them to the Bog.

Cornered against a wall, the boys stood in front of Keerli—splashed with mud and eyes wide with fear. The Rizon began to buck, snarling and murderous with its four rows of teeth. Jareth leapt off and stood between his playmates and the monster. The creature clacked its jaws together, looking too much like a ghastly smirk. Jareth shifted to a smirk of his own, creating a tall sword from a crystal.

Jareth and the Rizon lunged for each other at the same time. The Rizon gnashed its teeth, searching for a piece of the Goblin Prince. Jareth dodged, slicing off one of its five ears. The creature howled terribly. Keerli shrieked and covered her ears, the boys too frozen to consol her. The Rizon slashed in a blind rage with its three-clawed hands. Each time the creature missed Jareth moved closer, managing to severe two more ears. The cunning creature found a pattern however and swatted Jareth against the wall. Stunned momentarily, Jareth found himself pinned. The creature had leaned down menacingly, clacking his jaws together as though chuckling. Jareth only smirked back, slicing the creature across its belly as he escaped its hold.

They scuffled for some time, the creature bellowing and the grim smirk on Jareth's face never shifting. Finally, though, Jareth found the back of the beast one more time and drove the sword deep. The Rizon howled and collapsed into the shallow water, splattering mud and all else. A couple quick cuts and Jareth pulled out its heart. Though he was caked with mud and blood, his smile had changed from the maniacal expression to his usual easygoing grin. His posture, despite his appearance, was perfect as he marched up to Keerli (the boys having squashed themselves up against the wall to get away) and silently offered her the heart.

She stared down in shock.

Jareth's grin deepened. Surely it was working.

Her look shifted to disgust.

Jareth felt less sure of himself.

Neither noticed one of the other boys wilt into the water.

Keerli raised her face to look up at Jareth.

Perhaps, though, she was simply amazed at his attentions and feelings toward her. Emboldened, Jareth tried to brush some her muddy hair away from those brilliant eyes, inadvertently smearing blood on her forehead.

Her disgust shifted back to fear.

Jareth was shocked to watch his young love run away, screaming. He began to chase her, shouting inquiries between breaths about what he had done wrong.

He still held the Rizon's heart in his hands.

Since that day, Jareth has never taken a piece of goblin advice unless he was in desperate need of a good laugh.

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**Authoress Rambling:** Yeah, I love that last image. It just makes me smile a little bit. Thanks so much for reading!

And as per usual, **_love it or hate it, please let me know!_**


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